What is it I want in life? *sheesh…what a way to open up a blog*
Why am I pleasing others because it’s so called “good for me”?
Why am I still in school?
Why are all my friends struggling to stay afloat…while I’m high and dry on this fucking ship of mine?

These are the questions I’ve been constantly asking myself these past weeks…especially just when I’m about to sleep. I want t find answers for them. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand being the lucky one out of the batch. I don’t consider myself lucky…I don’t consider myself gifted. If anything I’m hampered. I’m sheltered, I’m restricted, and I’m tired of not being a part of something…or someone.

My family and people who I can consider, associates more than “friends” give me short term generic words of encouragement. I don’t need half ass generic words of encouragement. I need answers. And I’m not looking for something bigger, and I know the answers to my questions CAN come from an analyzed observation of everyone’s problems…But this is not what I mean. I get so upset with my family, my friend (or lack thereof), but mostly…I’m upset at myself. What did I do to deserve all of this?

I know we all play the cards we’re dealt…and it’s how we play the game that determines the winners from the losers…I can’t help it if they folded before their time.

I can honestly say I’m not appreciative to what’s been given to me and what I’ve given myself, since my senior year of high school. I know it’s a selfish thing to say…but it’s the truth. I don’t want to live the truth any more. I want to feel good about what I have. I want to smile and thank everyone who’s helped get me through all the bullshit I’ve endured in this fuck ass piece of shit regiment, and in this bum fuck hell of a school. How can I thank them and mean it when I feel like a stack of shit. If it wasn’t for the support others have given me…I would have been outta school a long time ago.

Idk why I’m beating myself so hard over it…but…why am I getting all this support? I feel as if I’m hogging up the intellectual spotlight here. I don’t want to. I’m not trying to be successful. Actually…I feel like I’m failing. [blog for another day]. I don’t need as much support as I’ve been given over the last few years. There’s just no way I can share it >.< I want the (few) people I actually care about to have the same support I do. So they can be as successful as I’ve been. Why do they live the everyday struggle while I things just fall into place in my life?

We all started out at the same place. I don’t understand what happened. Was high school the determining factor that steered our lives in different directions? It had to have been…

I know that all’s not “hell”. Neither I nor my friends have hit rock bottom…yet…But it’s still a problem. And I can’t help but to feel deep sympathy for them. Even if I don’t really show it.

I see my friends trying their best to make something of their selves. They have plans…I admire them for that. Me…I feel like my plan is bullshit.

1. Obtain my USCG 3rd Mate's License
2. Graduate with my Bachelors
3. Graduate with my Masters
4. Go to Sea…

Then what??? Wtf do I do after I go to sea…or while I’m at sea…? I get a house? A wife kids the whole 9 yards? Fuck! How am I going to do all that when I'm at sea!? The American dream is full of lies and uncertainties. Something tells me that what life’s all about…sudden surprises followed by my ability to cope with them as best I can. But fuck that! That’s not what I want. I don’t really know WHAT I truly WANT. What’s wrong with me...?